Key Takeaways
- Parallel parenting is still co-parenting. You can put more distance between the adults, but you can’t step away from your shared responsibility to your child.
- Parallel parenting cuts unnecessary communication, not necessary communication. Medical, school, and emergency information, major activities, and significant changes still have to be shared.
- Chronic conflict harms kids more than two households do. Children pick up on tone, body language, and contempt, and they often feel caught in loyalty binds.
- Specific parenting plans reduce conflict. Clear terms for vacations, holidays, exchanges, and decisions build guardrails around the conflict instead of walls between parents.
- Parallel parenting is often temporary. The goal is whatever level of cooperation serves your child best, not a rigid label.
Introduction
When a divorce is full of conflict, the idea of never dealing with your ex again can sound like relief. That’s usually what parents picture when they say they want “parallel parenting.” But parallel parenting doesn’t mean what many people think, and using it the wrong way can hurt the very children you’re trying to protect.
Krista Nash is the founder of Children First Family Law®, a Colorado family law and divorce law firm serving families in Denver, Lakewood, Arvada, Boulder, Colorado Springs, Greeley, Pueblo, and communities statewide. She is an attorney, mediator, parenting coordinator, and child legal representative whose work centers on one question: how do we get children through divorce with as little unnecessary damage as possible?
In the 100th episode of the Children First Family Law Podcast, Krista flew solo on a subject close to the heart of the firm’s mission: what parallel parenting really is, what research tells us about children and conflict, and how to make co-parenting work when traditional cooperation isn’t possible.
Why Parallel Parenting Is So Often Misunderstood
Krista hears it constantly in consultations. A parent has been researching online, reading Facebook groups, or talking with friends, and they say parallel parenting is what they want. What they usually mean is this: I want to be done with the other parent forever. I don’t want to talk to them. I want our homes completely separate.
That’s understandable. If every conversation turns into a fight, never dealing with your former spouse again sounds wonderful. But parallel parenting doesn’t work that way. If you share a child, you’re connected to the other parent for the rest of your child’s life.
That stays true whether the divorce was fair or unfair, whether there was betrayal, and whether the case was litigated for years. If you’re both still parenting this child, you still have to co-parent in some form.
The Railroad Track: Why Parallel Parenting Is Still Co-Parenting
Krista offers a helpful picture. When people hear “parallel,” they think of parallel lines from math class: two lines side by side that never touch. So they imagine: You stay over there, I stay over here, and the two shall never meet.
Now think about an actual railroad track. The two rails never intersect, but they are working together. They have to stay aligned, stay the right distance apart, move in the same direction, and support the same train. If one rail veers off to the left while the other keeps going straight, the train derails.
The train is your child.
Parallel parenting isn’t two parents living independent lives with no obligation to coordinate. It’s two parents reducing unnecessary conflict while still supporting the same child toward the same destination. In practice, that might mean:
- communicating less;
- using co-parenting apps;
- relying on more detailed parenting orders for exchanges, holidays, and sick days;
- having fewer face-to-face interactions.
Some parents push back that they can’t even agree on where the train is going. Krista’s answer is that the destination doesn’t have to be a particular college or career. It can simply be a healthy childhood that leads to a healthy adulthood.
You don’t have to be friends. You don’t have to like each other. But you do have to function as co-parents. As Krista puts it, “Parallel parenting is still co-parenting. Please write that down.”
Avoidance Isn’t the Goal
When someone says they want to parallel parent so they never have to deal with their ex again, Krista’s answer is usually no. The goal is lower conflict with continued, responsible co-parenting, and that is very different from avoidance.
Some families do need direct contact sharply limited, including families dealing with domestic violence, coercive control, or real safety concerns. But in many high-conflict cases there is no safety issue. There’s hostility, resentment, poor communication, emotional immaturity, and sometimes plain hatred.
In those cases, Krista cautions parents not to use parallel parenting as a fancy legal-sounding excuse for refusing to adjust maturely to the new relationship.
Traditional cooperative co-parenting usually involves more interaction:
- frequent conversations and joint decisions;
- flexible schedules;
- attending parent-teacher conferences together;
- sharing details about sleep, behavior, meals, and friendships.
When parents can do this, it’s usually best for kids. When most interactions turn into conflict, the answer is to reduce the number of interactions, not to end the parenting relationship.
A few reframes help:
- Less contact doesn’t mean no co-parenting.
- More structure doesn’t mean emotional abandonment.
- Separate households don’t mean separate children.
Your child still has one childhood, one school experience, one medical history, and one emotional life, and both parents matter enormously to how it turns out.
Yes, You Can Both Show Up
Unless there are genuine safety concerns, both parents can attend the school play, the soccer game, the basketball game, and graduation. You don’t have to sit together or socialize. You do have to be civil. That means:
- saying hello;
- keeping your facial expressions in check;
- skipping the eye rolls and rude body language;
- not making a scene.
Your child should be able to look into the stands, see both parents, and not feel responsible for the temperature in the room. Good parallel parenting should make these moments easier. Because the day-to-day conflict is lower, you have the emotional bandwidth to act like a grown-up for a couple of hours.
Krista notes that maturity after divorce often looks boring. It’s sitting 30 feet apart and behaving yourself. It’s both parents cheering for the same child. No child should have to choose which parent comes to the concert, or invite only one parent to graduation because the other can’t stand being in the same building. These small moments build a child’s sense of safety.
What Children Experience When Conflict Surrounds Them
Kids notice everything:
- your tone of voice;
- the eye roll when the other parent’s name comes up;
- the sigh when your child says, “Dad said…”;
- the look on your face when they mention Mom’s new partner.
You may think you’re being subtle, but children are exquisitely tuned in to their parents. They know when they’re supposed to avoid talking about the other house, and they know when being happy with one parent makes the other uncomfortable.
The other parent is half of your child’s identity. When you communicate contempt for that parent, children often absorb part of it. They may never put it into words, but emotionally they can experience it as contempt for half of themselves. That theme has come up again and again from psychologists on the podcast.
Research is remarkably consistent here: children exposed to chronic parental conflict face greater risk of emotional and behavioral problems, and that conflict ties into adverse childhood experiences (ACEs). The issue isn’t living in two homes. It’s the conflict surrounding those homes. Children can become anxious, hypervigilant, angry, or withdrawn. They may feel the divorce was their fault or feel pressure to pick sides.
Krista often sees kids caught in loyalty binds. A child has a wonderful weekend with Dad, then comes home and only talks about the bad parts because they sense Mom doesn’t want to hear anything good. The reverse happens too, when a child holds back serious concerns that should be shared. Either way, the child is managing adult emotions, and that isn’t their job.
Warning Signs That Traditional Co-Parenting Isn’t Working
How do you know when traditional co-parenting is doing more harm than good? Krista highlights three red flags.
- Every interaction escalates. You can’t discuss school without revisiting the marriage, or talk about soccer without fighting about child support.
- Your child becomes the messenger. “Tell your dad…” and “Ask your mom…” put kids in the middle. Children are not couriers, negotiators, or spies.
- You’re constantly monitoring the other household. You’re tracking bedtimes, location services, meals, visitors, and whether homework got done.
One of the hardest lessons after divorce is that you no longer control the other household. Kids can handle different bedtimes or screen rules. What harms them is getting caught in the emotional crossfire over those differences.
Make Communication Boring
In high-conflict situations, Krista wants communication to be truly boring: businesslike, factual, brief, child-focused, and preferably written.
Instead of an accusatory message about a missed dentist appointment, try: “Emma’s dentist appointment is Tuesday at 3:30. It has been added to the shared calendar.” Instead of “You’re always late,” try: “Pickup is at 5:00 pursuant to the parenting plan. Please let me know if you are delayed by more than 15 minutes.”
The point isn’t to win. It’s to share what’s needed to parent your child.
Co-parenting apps like TalkingParents, OurFamilyWizard, and Civil Communicator can help a lot. Their features do different jobs:
- Shared calendars cut down on confusion and excuses.
- Expense tracking reduces arguments about reimbursements.
- Written messaging slows people down and adds accountability.
Texting, by contrast, tends to be hot and reactive.
Here’s the irony: sometimes you need less interaction in order to co-parent better. Treat it more like a business relationship. That’s hard when you’ve been hurt, and some parents benefit from therapy to get there.
Less interaction still isn’t disengagement. You still share school meetings, medical information, and major decisions. Even a parent with sole decision-making authority generally must inform the other parent and allow some input in most jurisdictions. You still honor court orders and treat the other parent as someone who matters in your child’s life.
Krista puts the rule this way: “Parallel parenting means reducing unnecessary communication. It does not mean eliminating necessary communication.”
When Your Ex Is Truly Difficult
Maybe your ex really is unreasonable. Maybe they lie, provoke you, and send 10-page messages. Here’s what you can control: you don’t have to join every fight.
If someone sends six paragraphs of accusations followed by “What time is the soccer game?”, your answer can simply be “10:30 Saturday at Long Lake Regional Park.” You don’t have to rebut every accusation or win the email.
Krista admits lawyers struggle with this too, because they love a complete record. But silence isn’t always agreement. Sometimes it’s emotional discipline, and becoming boring to fight with can change the whole dynamic.
Keep records where appropriate. Use the app, document significant events, and track expenses. Just don’t become a full-time archivist of your failed marriage, logging every late pickup, forgotten sweatshirt, and McDonald’s meal. Your child needs you parenting well more than your lawyer needs exhibits.
And don’t interrogate your child after time at the other home. Skip the “discovery” questions about who was there and what was said about you. Ask instead: Did you have a good weekend? What was your favorite part? Then listen. If a real concern comes up, address it, but never turn your child into a surveillance device.
Building a Parenting Plan With Guardrails
In Colorado, parenting arrangements fall under the allocation of parental responsibilities, which covers parenting time and decision-making. In high-conflict cases, Krista says, specificity is your friend and ambiguity is gasoline.
“Parents will agree on vacation” might work for cooperative parents. For high-conflict parents, it’s a predictable disaster. A stronger plan spells out:
- Vacations: when requests are due, who gets priority in odd and even years, and what happens when requests conflict.
- Travel logistics: transportation, return times, who holds passports, and whether international trips are allowed.
- Recurring events: holidays, school breaks, exchanges, and extracurricular activities.
Be careful if you’re handling your divorce yourself. Court forms don’t prompt for much detail, and many parents don’t discover the gaps until conflict erupts. As Krista’s executive coach says, clarity is kindness, and that’s true in parenting plans too.
Krista also urges families to stop accepting plans written for imaginary parents. Canned templates can be a cost-effective starting point, but ask your attorney what in the plan is specific to your family. If parents can’t agree on anything, a plan requiring joint agreement on every decision is setting them up to fail.
The goal is not to build walls between parents. It’s to build guardrails around the conflict.
Making Exchanges Easier on Kids
Research from Dr. Michael Saini, a Canadian researcher and repeat podcast guest, shows that exchanges (often called changeovers) are among the most stressful moments for children.
School exchanges work well. One parent drops off, the other picks up, and there’s no face-to-face contact or parking-lot argument. On non-school days, neutral public places like a coffee shop or park can help, and some parents choose locations with cameras.
Krista isn’t a fan of police or fire stations for exchanges. Supervised exchange services are available across the Denver metro area when safety truly requires them. But high conflict alone doesn’t mean supervision is needed, and supervision can send children the message that a parent isn’t safe.
The emotional tone matters most. Smile, wave, and say, “Have a great time with Dad,” or “Have fun with Mom.” That tiny sentence tells your child they’re allowed to go and love the other parent without betraying you. Parallel parenting doesn’t mean no eye contact or politeness.
Decision-Making and Getting Professional Help
Parallel parenting doesn’t automatically mean one parent makes every decision. There’s no one-size-fits-all model. Decision-making might:
- stay joint;
- be divided, with one parent handling medical decisions and the other education;
- include an agreed process for resolving impasses.
When parents struggle, professionals can help:
- Parenting coordinators help parents implement orders, improve communication, create structure, and spot recurring conflict patterns. Krista, who serves in this role herself, when also accompanied by the Decision Maker role, believes they’re underused and often brought in too late, after years of damage.
- Decision-makers can, within the scope of their appointment, make binding decisions about implementing or clarifying existing orders, such as international travel or exchange times. That can keep minor disagreements from turning into motions, hearings, and thousands of dollars in fees.
Children First Family Law® also offers amicable divorce services that work with both parents and build parenting coordination into the process from the start. Parent coaches can help as well.
Even with professional support, though, parents still have to do the work: communicate, behave, and make decisions in their child’s best interest.
When Safety Comes First
Some families aren’t simply high-conflict. There may be coercive control, stalking, intimidation, abuse, or serious safety risks. These cases require a different analysis, and safety comes first. Contact may need to be much more limited, structured, or supervised.
When Krista says parents should be able to attend events together, she means cases with no genuine safety issue. If domestic violence or serious risk is present, get individualized legal advice and a safety plan.
How Colorado Law Approaches Parallel Parenting
Colorado statutes don’t really use the word “custody.” Under C.R.S. § 14-10-124, the allocation of parental responsibilities includes parenting time and decision-making, guided by the best interests of the child. This applies whether you’re divorcing or are unmarried parents.
When deciding how decision-making should work, Colorado judges specifically consider whether these parents can cooperate and make decisions jointly. That’s why a generic parallel parenting plan off the internet isn’t enough.
Courts across Jefferson, Adams, Boulder, Denver, and Douglas counties expect parents to take parenting plans seriously. Adams County requires an approved parenting class in divorce, legal separation, and APR cases. Jefferson County offers approved parenting education, and nearly every county has similar requirements.
For families in Arvada and beyond, the point is to design logistics around the conflict instead of repeatedly exposing children to it.
Is Parallel Parenting Forever?
Not necessarily. Often it’s for a season. Divorce tends to be most volatile early on, while parents are dealing with:
- grief, anger, and fear;
- financial changes and new homes;
- new relationships;
- less time with their children.
Litigation makes it all worse and takes time to detox from.
Early on, you may need everything in writing and exchanges at school. Over time, things often improve. Maybe you can text without an app, sit closer at games, or give your child a gift together, which kids say means so much. Maybe you can swap a weekend without it becoming a constitutional crisis.
The goal is whatever level of cooperation best serves your child. That’s neither “parallel forever” nor “we must be best friends.” Kids need functional adults.
The Label Matters Less Than the Outcome
Krista’s central message for this milestone episode: your child doesn’t need you and your ex to love each other, or even like each other. “But your child desperately needs you to stop making your feelings about the other parent their problem.”
Whatever you call your arrangement, ask yourself these questions:
- Are you reducing conflict?
- Are you sharing necessary information?
- Are you supporting your child’s relationship with the other parent?
- Are you showing up and behaving like an adult?
- Is your child emotionally safe?
If the answer is yes, you’re doing the work. If it’s yes to only some of them, celebrate that and keep going on the rest.
Krista remains optimistic because she has seen parents with every reason to be angry make a different choice, because they love their children more than they love to fight. The goal isn’t a perfect or painless divorce. It’s a better one, with less collateral damage and more adults asking, “What will this do to my child?” before sending the nasty text or filing another motion.
Need Help With High-Conflict Co-Parenting in Colorado?
If divorce conflict is affecting your children, you don’t have to navigate it alone. Children First Family Law® helps families in Denver, Lakewood, Arvada, Boulder, Colorado Springs, Greeley, Pueblo, and across Colorado with:
- structured parenting plans;
- parallel parenting frameworks;
- parenting coordinator and decision-maker appointments;
- amicable divorce services.
The goal isn’t to win the divorce. It’s to protect the childhood happening in the middle of it.
Schedule your consultation online today.
This article is for informational purposes only and is not legal advice. Krista Nash is licensed in Colorado and Wyoming.